The Hater’s Guide to Nintendo’s E3 Treehouse


This is not going to be a recurring article (but maybe it should be hehe).  I actually thought this presentation did everything well, but it’s just funny how little of it interested me personally.  Here is an item-by-item take on each announcement at Nintendo’s E3 Treehouse event:

New Smash Characters

Banjo and Kazooie and Dragon Quest characters to be specific.  Don’t care.  Smash already has too many characters and its just silly at this point.  Every character bloats the roster even more and basically serves as an in-game advertisement.  Nah.

Dragon Quest XI

Cool series, I’ve just never played them honestly.  Not likely to start now, and that goes for most long-standing franchises I’ve yet to play.

Link’s Awakening remake

I must be a curmudgeon because unlike most, I hate the look of this game.  I simply cannot stand whatever you call that art style.  I honestly wouldn’t mind playing Link’s Awakening for the first time this way.  Instead I’ll probably just pop in the GameBoy Color DX version I was given for free.

The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance Tactics

Ding ding ding!  Our first hit after a few misses!  I love tactical RPGs, so I’m always interested in announcements like this.  Not sure how it’ll shake out, but could easily be a buy for me.

Luigi’s Mansion 3

Never played these, but I’m completely open to doing so.  I might even have the Gamecube original somewhere, so maybe I’ll do that soon.  For now, this is a grade of N/A for me.

Collection of Mana and Trials of Mana

I don’t begrude Secret of Mana fans going ape shit over this.  I just wish I’d played any of these.  I didn’t have an SNES growing up, and I’ve tried to go back to 8- and 16-bit JRPGs.  No one has that kind of time anymore to replay those, so I don’t think I’ll partake here.  Happy for those that will though.

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

Another genre I don’t have time for anymore:  the 100-hour open world game.  I really liked The Witcher 3 for the few hours I played it.  It just took so long to accomplish anything that I gave up.  When I was a young lad I would’ve dove much deeper though.  Given that I’ve already played it and it’s a port of an old game, it’s a miss.

No More Heroes 3

Never played any.  I really want to play the original on Wii and use my Wiimote as a phone, but I haven’t nabbed a copy yet.  These games look fun and distinct.  If I like the earlier ones maybe I’ll play this someday, but not any time soon.

Panzer Dragoon

Myself and about six other people on earth were ecstatic to see this one.  It looks like a remake of the original game on the Saturn.  The movements of the dragon seemed jerky and just looked wrong to me.  Then again maybe that is just what the game looks like running over 15 FPS.  This is a day one purchase for me otherwise.  Maybe I wouldn’t shit on remakes so much if they were more like this!

Resident Evil 5 & 6

These are easily the two worst Resident Evil games in the main series, and arguably some of the worst in the entire franchise.  They’ll also be extremely overpriced, because everything on the Switch is.  No one should give a shit about this.  No one.

Daemon x Machina

A game we already knew about and many of us played the demo already.  The game looks fine.  I’m not as gaga over it as a lot of Switch owners.  I like flying mechs and what not, but it’s another game where the environments are bland and boring because of the Switch’s lack of horsepower.  Huge sheets of brown make up what would normally be a desert floor, for example.  Also, I thought the control was fine but in portable mode the action was just too fast for the shitty button set up.  With a Pro controller I’m sure it’d be fine though.

Many are looking at this as a new hot property for Nintendo.  It’s looked like a “wait for a sale” game for me since day one.

Contra Rogue Corps & Contra Collection

Rogue Corps looks like it could be the same kind of fun as games like Shock Troopers or Time Soldiers, but holy fuck it’s $40???  That seems high.  It screamed $20 game to me.  The Contra Collection is something I want but will be available elsewhere.  In summary I’m kind of neutral on this information.

Pokemon—don’t care about Pokemon, sorry

Empire of Sin

There aren’t a lot of games set in the ’30s or whatever when Al Capone, etc were in their hey day.  This could be fun.  Total wildcard, but interesting at least.

Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 3

We already knew about this and it was announced pretty liberally the first time, so it’s not like we saw a teaser and yearned for more.  We kind of already knew the drill.  This is a big get for Nintendo though.  It’s just old news as it stands today.

Astral Chain

Astral Chain is off the………charts when it comes to my enthusiasm.  I think it looks really good!  Not a new game announcement but still one I’m very much looking forward to.  Also: an original property!  Holy shit!

Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Dude, I loved the original on Gamecube.  In college I’d tend to my town every day.  I had my fun, and then I moved on to other games.  I have nothing but love for Animal Crossing but I have no idea why people are always desperate for a sequel when it’s going to be 97% the same game they’ve already sunk hundreds of hours into.  Just don’t get why we need more of these, let alone why it continues to be a big franchise for Nintendo.

Cadence of Hyrule coming June 13

I just did not like Crypt of the Necrodancer.  I think it’s a creative game, I just couldn’t get over my character being so restricted.  I know I know.  That’s the point.  It never clicked with me though, and this won’t either.

Spyro Reignited Trilogy

Another port that will be less expensive elsewhere by the time this comes out.  Fart noise.

Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020


Alien: Isolation

Seriously?  Why did they even announce this?  This game is old as shit and while it had its merits, time has moved on.  This will probably be $30-40.  Do you want to pay $30-40 for a game that can be had anywhere else for about $5 ?  News outlets should not cover shit like this.

Fire Emblem:  Three Houses

I share a lot of the same worries that other FE fans have about this game, but I’m still optimistic.  It’s a main line Fire Emblem game, therefore I will get it.  Huzzah, even though we already knew a lot, like really a lot, about this one.

Breath of the Wild sequel

If you weren’t pissed off before you’re going to be now.  I really thought Breath of the Wild was a cool but forgettable game.  The climbing was cool, some of the big enemy designs were cool.  Otherwise there’s nothing here that you haven’t played before other than the physics engine, and when you don’t feel strongly about the game to begin with, you’re not going to dick around with the physics engine any more than you have to.

Honestly?  I’ll probably buy this.  I just hope it greatly improves upon the first one, which, seriously guys?  The best game of all time?  Be real.

Do you hate me?  Is everything okay?  Well that’s my take on the Nintendo E3 Treehouse.  Or is it the Nintendo Direct?  I dunno.  I can’t keep track of these things.  Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this either because you feel like me or you’ve been given some internet hate fuel.  I understand the fact that the latter is far more likely.  By for now.  Next time impress me, Nintendo.  Lazy bums.

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